Puns for Educated Minds or WHATEVER!
Donated by Ginger Goben
A sign posted on the door of the infectious disease lab: “Staph Only”
Puns for Educated Minds
1. The fattest knight at King Arthur’s round table was Sir Cumference. He
acquired his size from too much pi.
2. I thought I saw an eye doctor on an Alaskan island, but it turned out to
be an optical Aleutian .
3. She was only a whiskey maker, but he loved her still.
4. A rubber band pistol was confiscated from algebra class, because it was
a weapon of math disruption.
5. No matter how much you push the envelope, it’ll still be stationery.
6. A dog gave birth to puppies near the road and was cited for littering.
7. A grenade thrown into a kitchen in France would result in Linoleum
Blownapart.
8. Two silk worms had a race. They ended up in a tie.
9. A hole has been found in the nudist camp wall. The police are looking
into it.
10. Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.
11. Atheism is a non-prophet organization.
12. Two hats were hanging on a hat rack in the hallway. One hat said to the
other: ‘You stay here; I’ll go on a head.’
13. I wondered why the baseball kept getting bigger. Then it hit me.
14. A sign on the lawn at a drug rehab center said: ‘Keep off the Grass.’
15. The midget fortune-teller who escaped from prison was a small medium at
large.
16. The soldier who survived mustard gas and pepper spray is now a seasoned
veteran.
17. A backward poet writes inverse.
18. In a democracy it’s your vote that counts. In feudalism it’s your count
that votes.
19. When cannibals ate a missionary, they got a taste of religion.
20. If you jumped off the bridge in Paris , you’d be in Seine.
21. A vulture boards an airplane, carrying two dead raccoons. The
stewardess looks at him and says, ‘I’m sorry, sir, only one carrion allowed
per passenger.’
22. Two fish swim into a concrete wall. One turns to the other and says
‘Dam!’
23. Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, so they lit a fire in the
craft. Unsurprisingly it sank, proving once again that you can’t have your
kayak and heat it too.
24. Two hydrogen atoms meet. One says, ‘I’ve lost my electron.’ The other
says ‘Are you sure?’ The first replies, ‘Yes, I’m positive.’
25. Did you hear about the Buddhist who refused Novocain during a root
canal? His goal: transcend dental medication.
26. There was the person who sent ten puns to friends, with the hope that
at least one of the puns would make them laugh. No pun in ten did.
We’re talking about rhubarb!
Healthy ideas from Doris Anderson
It’s an herb, a perennial, and a popular pie filling — and it’s better for you when you bake or stew it. We’re talking about rhubarb.
Turns out those colorful red stalks are rich in 40 different kinds of disease-fighting antioxidants. And their antioxidant capacity actually increases if you bake or stew this seasonal plant. If you suffer from inflammatory issues this red stalked plant can save you pain and suffering. You can buy it in jars fo jam and enjoy it at breakfast for a healthy start to your day.
Tuesday is Election Day
by Paula Andersen
Vote on Tuesday
Remember when we watched Superman on television and read his stories in books and magazines? We enjoyed his attempts to save the world from evil and he seemed to always succeed. We recognized his role as one that we, as Americans, all honored as heroic and admirable. He had a mission and he achieved it. In our minds we knew that he was not real but his ideals were something that as an American society we should be emulating. Save the good–get rid of the bad.
Today we see badly in the bright light of the news press, television news, and radio talk shows and around the coffee shop gossip. We have been promised TRANSPARENCY by our new leadership but we have found that not to be true. Even Superman with his x-ray vision could not determine the truth behind the acts of our leadership. So maybe we have to accept the fact that it is an impossible act for us to see any issue clearly in a democracy as large as ours. Today we can not see a fair examination of the facts. It seems that with cell phones, television, radio, newspapers, and all the other forms of information sources even Superman would be blinded by the onslaught of data. This is our Kryptonite.
The average American is overwhelmed by so many sources and individuals claiming to have the answer. So what do Americans have to rely on in the last days before an election? When there is little to count on that does not have a hidden agenda, what does the everyday American do when challenged by Election Day choices?
I am going to do what Superman did–get rid of the bad and save the good!
I am going to think about what I know to be good in my world and what my country needs to make it better. I am going to make a list of those things–I am going to find candidates that fit or support those things and I am going to vote for them. Change is good and it is time for change in this country. But like Superman I am going to be vigilant and if these individuals do not do what they promise they will do–then I am going to get rid of the bad and save the GOOD! MAKE SURE YOU VOTE ON Tuesday, August 3rd!
Shell Knob “Quilting 4 Charity” Group to Display Work
7.26.2010 QUILTING 4 CHARITY GROUP WILL PRESENT QUILT DISPLAY FOR BARRY COUNTY MUSEUM
BY Paula Andersen
The Quilting 4 Charity group from the Shell Knob Senior Center will display their handiwork at the Barry County Museum during the month of August. This charitable group of women started their work during the Katrina Crisis four and a half years ago and have continued to create quilts that have been given to needy individuals throughout Missouri. CASA, Habitat for Humanity, and other Missouri Agencies are a few of the recipients of these finely made quilts. Pat Biles, quilt leader at the Shell Knob Senior Center, says, “ Our group usually makes and gives away 80 quilts a year. Our group meets on Wednesdays and Thursdays from 9 am to 2 pm. The fellowship and friendship that is created in that room is delightful and makes the work fun. The fabric is donated and the labor is free. We are excited about showing our work at the Barry County Museum and appreciate the recognition that the show will provide our group. We will be giving away the 30 plus quilts and raffling away one.”
When questioned about how to join the group, Pat offered, “ We welcome new members even if they do not know how to quilt, we have beginning classes on Wednesdays. If interested call Pat Biles, 417-858-6622 and leave your name, she will get back to you. We do hand quilting for dollars to purchase supplies and to have machine quilting done.”
Barry County Museum is located on Highway 76, south of Cassville call for hours 417-847-1641.
Advertising*Dining*Tommy’s Little Dogs has the best DOGS! Polish and Brats
Sunshine is bringing hungry people to Bridgeway Plaza in Shell Knob, Missouri. Tommy’s Little Dogs has his tent set up to serve the public the best Chicago meat in two states! Stop by and pick up lunch or dinner for under $5.00. Why waste time packing a lunch for the boat–stop by and pick up a six pack of dogs and go out and have fun.
Week#2
Classifieds*Services* Work Wanted*Get ‘Er Done Power Washing
Work wanted–If you have dirty decks, log siding, vinyl siding, wood siding, boat docks or if you need your decks sripped and treated –CALL Subby at 417-335-1021-free estimates –Local and Experienced
Puddlejumpers, LLC, New Business in Shell Knob, Missouri
7.23.2010 Chamber Welcomes New Members-by Paula Andersen
Shell Knob Chamber of Commerce welcomes to its’ membership Puddlejumpers LLC, the newest glider business in the area. John Mallamo and his wife, Nancy are from California originally but are now permanent members of the Shell Knob Community. John has been a pilot for over 25 years in the custom flight business, and he is a FAA Certified Commercial Pilot . He enjoys introducing people to the fun of flying. John gives everyone a brief lesson on the mechanics of glider flying when you first meet with him. He then introduces you to the two seat Schweizer 2-33 sailplane which has two sets of flying controls. Would-be pilots can actually take over in-flight flying with John at the master set of controls and experience the fun that flying can bring. You can have a nice smooth flight or a little roller coaster if you can handle it. Just tell John at the beginning what you want and he will customize it for you.
The view of Table Rock Lake and the Mark Twain National Forest is an extra delight. When you are towed to 3000’ or above you will have an exciting view of the local area. Make sure you call in advance as the number of flights that Puddlejumpers can perform in a day is limited so advanced reservations are recommended. Kids of all ages are welcome and John has provided rides for the LUC Boys Club as a vocational experience. “We have taken individuals up from ages 3 to 86, and they have all enjoyed it,” said John over breakfast rolls at the Landing Café at Turkey Mountain Airport in Shell Knob, Missouri. “ Please call 417-559-6709, for reservations, weather is a factor, but fun is always a major part of the joy of flying, “ John added. Puddlejumpers LLC, is located at the Turkey Mountain Airport, north of Shell Knob on Highway 39, turn west on Farm Road 1230 and then go to The Landing Café for check in.
Classifieds*Boats, Boat Repairs* Central Crossing Marine
For quality sales, repair and service of your boat, call Chris at Central Crossing Marine located in Shell Knob, Missouri. Call 417-858-8002
Classifieds*Shopping* The Red Barn @Shell Knob
The Red Barn is located on the east side of Highway39 next to the Meeks Lumber store. Shoppers enjoy a wide selelction of antiques, primitives, furniture and booths that are filled with items to furnish your cabin and second home. Hours are 9 to 5 Monday thru Saturday.
Classified* Antiques, Collectibles, Furniture and Odds and Ends * Vintage Ozark
If you are shopping for the unique and one of a kind item you need to visit Vintage Ozark 4 1/2 miles north of Shell Knob on highway 39. A visit to Vintage Ozark is worth your time. Hours are seven days a week 10 to 6 pm and Sunday 12 to 5 pm.
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